online banking is almost very nearly entirely safe

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Advice for internet bankers: You will be pleased to know that online banking is almost very nearly entirely safe*. (*Some conditions apply.) The chances that you will ever be a victim of internet banking fraud are so extraordinarily small that you are most probably virtually much more likely to be hit by a car*. (*See our standard terms for specific exclusions.)

Make sure you install virus protection software on your PC. This means that every time you connect to the internet, your PC will download approximately 16 zigabytes of virus protection patches. Depending on the speed of your connection, this can take up to four days.

Entire parody here (be prepared for a good laugh):

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